


in my veins

by thegalaxyeffect



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Get ready for angst, based off of the season three trailer, just trying to make sense of things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 04:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11615964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegalaxyeffect/pseuds/thegalaxyeffect
Summary: "nothing goes as plannedeverything will breakpeople say goodbyein their own special wayall that you rely onand all that you can fakewill leave you in the morningbut find you in the day"





	in my veins

**Author's Note:**

> I've been feeling particularly feel-y today and so this just sort of... happened. (Even though I have a series that I SHOULD be working on... oops?)
> 
> This is loosely based off of the Season 3 trailer but it's kind of hard to put Kara's little monologue into context with what they give us in the trailer so I just sort of did the best I could. 
> 
> Title based off In My Veins by Andrew Belle.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it!!

You feel like you’re drowning. 

 

Drowning in emotions, drowning in memories, drowning in support from the people around you, and most of all drowning in  _ pain _ . 

 

So, you shut it out. 

 

You compartmentalize the guilt you feel over sending _him_ away. 

 

You fold the utter agony up and place it into a neat box only to be opened when you’re alone. 

 

You focus on being Supergirl, the one thing that you  _ know _ you can do, without a shadow of a doubt. After all, being Supergirl, feeling the need to save the people above all else, to give Rhea the chance to ‘surrender gracefully,’  _ that’s _ why worse came to worse and you had to send  _ him _ away.

 

You refuse to believe that it was all for naught. So, you pour every ounce of yourself into being Supergirl, into saving lives as if it could somehow justify the loss of the most important person to you. As if it could make the pain you feel inside any smaller. 

 

You slowly forget how to be  _ Kara Danvers _ . It doesn’t go unnoticed by the people who still remain in your life.

 

Your sister, in particular. You pretend not to notice her worried looks, the way she tries too hard to make you smile. You almost wish you could pretend to be okay, for no one other than Alex. 

 

You can’t seem to find it within yourself to even do that. 

 

“Kara,” she says one day when you get home from stopping a police chase and she’s already in your apartment, Chinese takeout in hand. “We should, uh, talk.”

 

You don’t want to talk. You don’t even want to eat. You’re tired and you just want to sit and wallow in your misery like you do most nights, unable to sleep in the bed you once shared with  _ him _ .

 

“I’m worried about you, Kara.” Alex continues when you don’t say anything. “You haven’t been yourself lately.”

 

You nearly scoff at that. You haven’t been ‘yourself’ in nearly six months. This isn’t the first time Alex has tried to do something like this. Come into your apartment and tried to talk with you, that is. But, there’s something different about it this time. You notice a steely resolve in her eyes. 

 

“You’ve been more Supergirl than Kara Danvers for a while now and I…” Alex shakes her head slightly, your super hearing tells you that she’s swallowing down a lump in her throat. “I miss my sister.”

 

“I’m sorry.” You find yourself saying it against your own volition, the slightest bit of sincerity in your voice. You want to say you’ve missed her too, but, with all of the feelings you’ve been repressing, all you really seem to feel is numb. 

 

The resolve in Alex’s eyes hardens when you don’t say anything further. “Kara, think for a second about Superman-- no, think about  _ Clark Kent _ .”

 

You’re not sure where she’s going with this, but you feel like you owe it to her to at least hear her out. 

 

“Think about the sacrifices that  _ both _ of them, Clark Kent and Superman, have had to make. Think about the decisions he’s had to make to keep being who he really is, to keep being  _ human _ -”

 

“Alex,” you stop her before she can continue. “The decision I made…” you think to the conversation you had with your cousin right after the Daxamite invasion, right after you sent  _ him _ into space and said goodbye to  _ him _ forever. You remember Clark telling you,  _ ‘I’d like to think if it came down to a choice between Lois and the world… but, I don’t think I could.’ _

 

“He couldn’t have made that sacrifice.” You tell her. “But me?” You shake your head at the mere thought of what would’ve happened if you’d let the Daximites take over, the guilt you’d feel. “I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t.” 

 

You feel your mouth form an even deeper frown than the one you’ve been sporting for months, your own resolve settling. “I will  _ always _ made the decision I made.” It’s the truth. Even if you don’t want to, you’ll always make the hard decisions, the ones that save lives. 

 

You look at your sister, really look at her, and see sympathy and worry like a cocktail staring back at you. You feel your voice harden as you say: “I am not a human.” You think to all the years you hid being an alien, and then the past three years you’ve spent trying to be Supergirl  _ and _  Kara Danvers, alien  _and_  human. “I tried to be, but I’m not.”

 

Alex opens her mouth to say something, but you beat her to it. “Kara Danvers was a mistake.”

 

Her mouth drops open and you think you see tears in her eyes as you turn to your front door and open it, a clear message that she seems to receive immediately. She starts to walk out, stopping when she’s halfway out the door.

 

“ _ Kara _ …” It’s more of a plea than anything. You realize that six months ago her voice like that would’ve gotten you to do anything. Not now, though. Not now that you’re a shell of the person you once were. Not now that Kara Danvers is as good as dead.

 

“I’d just really like to be alone right now, Alex.” You say, and she nods, stepping back to allow the door to shut softly in front of her. 

 

You sigh as you sit down on your couch, pulling the familiar blue blanket onto your lap and tucking your legs beneath you as you do. You try as hard as you can not to feel crushingly  _ alone _ on the couch that you used to so easily cuddle up to  _ him _ on. You attempts are thwarted the second you see the strip of photos lying on your coffee table, right where you left them the previous night. 

 

You pick it up, holding it carefully in your hands so as to not bend it even a little. The memory comes back to you easily. It had been  _ his _ first time ever being at the mall and when he saw the small booth he was intrigued. Once you explained the concept of a photobooth (or as he pronounced it  _ photobloop _ ) he insisted that the two of you should try it out.

 

You almost said no, you remember, because you were already late to meet the rest of your friends for a movie, but seeing the excited spark in  _ his _ puppydog eyes made you cave immediately. 

 

The first one was a silly one, per your request. The second was of him laughing into the side of your face, he’d been surprised at the bright flash. The third, once he got his bearings again, was of him pressing an exaggerated kiss onto your temple. And the last was your absolute favorite, it’s just the two of you smiling into the camera, you holding him close to you. 

 

You feel the smallest of smiles on your face as you run your thumb gently over his bright, smiling face in the last picture. You try to conjure up even a little bit of how it felt to be that  _ happy _ . But, you can’t. By now, it’s a distant memory. 

 

You feel your mask start to break, feel the neatly tucked away feelings start to make their way to the surface as a tear falls down your face. Followed by another, and another, and another. 

 

You bring the photos to your chest, holding them against your heart as if they could somehow bring  _ him _ closer to you. 

 

More tears only fall as you realize for what feels like the millionth time that you’ll  _ never _ have him that close to you again.

 

Deep, ugly, sobs start to make their way to the surface and through it all, you only manage to repeat one thing, over and over again, like saying his name might bring him back, like a whimpering plead to Rao:

  
“ _ Mon-El _ .” 

**Author's Note:**

> I sort of made up that last part, but, let's be real, it's probably definitely happened.   
> That trailer is super dark and it's making me so excited for Mon-El's return and to see how Kara manages to fix herself.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed!!


End file.
